To Read on the Journey

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Who Wears the Pants (Day 11)

For 31 days I am writing to my children
my future grandchildren, great, and all my great-grandchildren.

You come from a long line of women who have ripped the pants off their men and worn them.
That's what many of the women in your family have been.
"Great Great Great Grandma Emasculater" taught this to her daughter, who modeled it to hers, and so on.
These controlling women didn't blink twice as their weakened, pant-less husbands cowered trying to appease them.

I was an emasculater for the first 7 years of our marriage.

"A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown,
    but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."
Proverbs 12:4 

How did this change?

God's Spirit opened my eyes to see that my husband and I did not have the marriage He longed for us to have. 

I realized I didn't trust my husband.  I recognized that I didn't trust him because he always agreed with me and catered to what I wanted to hear.  I knew that he did this because appeasing me was better than facing my wrath (you come from a long line of wrathy women, too.  It's not pretty).

"Better to live in a desert
    than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife."
Proverbs 20:19

To be honest, at the point that I realized these things I would have mostly been okay with continuing on this way.  Michael is easy-going and a pleaser; wonderful traits, which at the time I could easily take advantage of.   But the trust thing really bothered me.  It bothered me because deep down I wanted what God wanted for me, and that was that my husband be my intimate friend, and in order for that to happen he had to be honest with me.

I clearly recall a moment when I weighed whether or not I wanted to "hand the pants" back to my husband.  They were already worn-in, cozy, they fit me nicely (I know now they were not flattering) .  We  I "worked" this way.   I wanted to keep them...

Until I thought about our son.

If I kept emasculating my husband, Noah would likely grow up and marry an emasculator.  He'd end up pant-less, too.

Then I thought about our sweet girls.  Our lovely girls couldn't grow to be all wrathy.

Our children had to have healthy relationships with their future spouses.  We had to model that.

The righteous lead blameless lives;
    blessed are their children after them.
Proverbs 20:7

So, I humbly handed the pants back to Michael.

The first year was hard, as Michael dove right in and gave me a piece of his mind, which had been quiet for years.
We fought a lot at first.
A lot.
I missed being pacified.
But after time, I realized he was right and I was wrong (Gulp! That was hard to swallow).
Eventually, I saw that he was for me and not against me.
In time, I experienced a new friendship with my love- as I trusted that he wanted God's best for me and that his desire was to tenderly point me in His direction.
Once this occurred I wanted to share everything with him.
I  began to chose his friendship over others.
I wanted to be intimate with him.
He felt respected, and I felt loved.

"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, 
and the wife must respect her husband."
Ephesians 5:33
The Message

My prayer for you is that you will humble yourself before the Lord, and submit yourself to His molding and shaping of your life. It hurts, but He has "life in the full" in mind for you. I pray that you and your spouse will have a marriage that glorifies God (makes Him known).  That others will see your love for each other and desire to know the Love that leads you. I pray in the mighty and saving name of Jesus, Amen.

 Live in Peace,

Posts from 31 Days of God-giver:
Day 1- Reap What I Sow
Day2- Get To Know God  
Day3-  God is God. 
Day 4- Wrap Your Arms Around Him 
Day 5- Pray.  Don't Think, Just Do It. 
Day 6- Find Your Voice 
Day 7- I Am a Mountain Goat 
Day 8- I ♥ Being Fabulous 
Day 9- Grandmother's Hands 
Day 10- "The Talk"  


Jennifer {Studio JRU} said...

Beautifully shared, Denise. What a precious lesson. Better to live in a desert than with a nagging wife... wow... what a statement that is! ;)

Linda Z said...

Oh friend, this is so full of humble truth. It is so hard to come face to face with such a difficult pattern that comes to light. When I am faced with a realization about myself I just want to run and hide or get out of my own skin.

Thank you for sharing how you embraced how the Lord prompted you to change even though it was so difficult and probably painful. It encourages me to face the things I don't like about myself, too... oh, there are so many that I am working on!!

Love you!