To Read on the Journey

Sunday, December 13, 2015

I Want to Remember

Okay, so let's just ignore the ridiculousness that is my not blogging for more than seven months and jump right into this blog post... deal?  Deal.

Okay, here goes...

So, Noah is 17 and some change. A senior in high school.  He's applying for colleges (UPDATE: he received his first acceptance letter today!).  He's applying for scholarships, and next month he'll apply for financial aid and grants (If you want to pray he gets a whole lot of both we won't stop you). It's not even Christmas yet, and we've submitted his senior and baby photo for the yearbook, I've purchased his cap n' gown for graduation, and we've already handed in the check for grad-night activities.  Ahhh!  And remember my last blog post... the one from seven plus months ago? (I know, I know, we agreed not to bring that up) The one about the sand zipping through the hour glass and me WANTING MORE SAND?  Well, time is a jerk.  Abigfatstupidmeanieheadjerk!  And I can't stop it.  BUT, I CAN MAKE THE MOST OF IT!  And that is what we did over Thanksgiving break.  We made the most of our time together and traveled to the Grand Canyon and Zion National Park! And I'm blogging about it because I WANT TO REMEMBER. 

I want to remember...

that Sara Groves new album Flood Plain was the soundtrack of this road-trip. 
(Lyrics from the album are italicized in red throughout the post

"We're going on an expedition. We're looking for lost time. 
And it will take days and days.
And it might be extravagant and wasteful. 
We'll be gone as long as it takes. 
Looking for lost time."

I want to remember...

that we spent our first night at Space Port Campground in Mojave, where 20mph wind whipped through our borrowed tent trailer. 

Knowing we'd be neighbors to those giant wind turbines in the not so distant distance might have been a good idea before we booked this place.
The howling wind was so fierce that Emilie snickered, "We're not in Kansas anymore!" I was thinking the same thing.  The wind beat against the tent trailer so hard that somewhere in the 2 a.m. hour Josie frantically asked, "Is the trailer gonna tip over!?!" And again, I was thinking the same thing.  Michael, our driver, who was desperately attempting to get at least a little shut eye, calmly replied, "Noooo, we're not gonna tip over."  I slipped my bra back on just in case. I mean, if he was wrong I did not want to be trapped under a tent trailer in my cute flannel pj's bra-less!  

The five of us maybe slept a total of 15 minutes combined. At one sleepless point Emilie declared, "I feel like I'm in a movie! This is so fun! This is part of the adventure!"  Emilie. She was clearly delusional from the loss of sleep and had forgotten how "fun" her parents can be after just minutes of sleep. But she was also right, THIS IS part of the adventure.  

"This cup, this cup, I want to drink it up. To be right here, in the middle of it."

I want to remember...

that there was a sky party the entire road-trip. A few times I shouted, "God is showing off!" 

I want to remember...

how it was lightly snowing when we arrived to our Grand Canyon campsite. And that my kids, who LIVE for the outdoors (they get it from their father, because if you recall, I love NOT camping) were beyond excited.

And that after camp was set-up we bundled up in every bit of clothing we brought and trekked out to take our first peak at the glorious Grand Canyon by the light of the full moon.

I want to remember...

looking back at this photo and spying a heart shaped moon enveloped by a heart shaped cloud, and how I knew this was no coincidence; knew the Creator was whispering His sweet love for us.

I want to remember...

Thanksgiving Day 2015, which was spent at the edge of the canyon with my little family. 

And thinking about something I'd read on the drive- "As people who live in a busy world we need to step away, be rehabilitated, reconnect with the the Highest." 

Then recalling James 4:8, which says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." Thinking we really ought to draw nearer to our generous Maker so much more than we do. And how I felt a full-heart-full of THANKFUL for this sacred time, together, to do so.

"So take up what we've been given, 
welcome the edge of our days, hemmed in by sunrise and sunset, 
by our youth and our age.
  Thank God for our dependence, 
here's to our chasm of need, 
And how it binds us together, In faith and vulnerability."


I want to remember...

that I was told the Grand Canyon was originally named Kaibob, which means, "inside out mountain."


I want to remember...
how Noah playfully prodded this sentimentally ill mama whenever he wanted something with, "But it's my last Thanksgiving as a child." 

After the bird and the thanks were served it turned into, "This is my last Christmas as a child." This kid. He knows how to turn me inside out!

And don't even remind me that in one short year from now I have to do this all over again with Emilie.  My heart!  Whose bright idea was it to have these two so dang close together?!

"All the cliches about how fast kids grow are true, 
I woke up this morning, eye to eye with you.

"All the cliches about living this life are true.  The path is worn, but for us it's new.  There's no way to know it without discovery,
 marking our missteps with mercy."

"All the cliches about how much I love you are true, 
as big as the sky, and up to the moon, 
a million gazillion, 
infinity plus one."

I want to remember...

the heater in the tent trailer didn't work the two nights we camped in the Grand Canyon, and that it was in the TEENS COLD!  So out-of-this-world-insanely-cold that the condensation on the tent canvas and on our bedding TURNED TO ICE!  I am not even kidding. In fact, Josie left a cup of water out on the table and in the morning it was a BLOCK OF ICE. There was even a tiny icicle formed from a drop from the kitchen faucet. I will likely not thaw until mid August. Oh, and did I mention that I love NOT camping. Well, let me tell you that I LOVE NOT ICE CAMPING a million bazillion times more.

I want to remember...
driving away from the Grand Canyon the morning after Thanksgiving, and sharing our family tradition of kicking off the Christmas season by listening and singing along to Amy Grant's "Sleigh Bells."  And how we all sang. Yep, even Noah. And as we rounded the Grand Canyon, singing, light snow began to fall from Heaven. I mean, what a dreamy way to usher in "Noah's last Christmas as a child."  AmIright?!

I want to remember...   

the drive from the Grand Canyon to Zion National Park- from Arizona to Utah,

and how the topography changed in a snap. One moment we'd be traveling on flatland and the next moment we'd be heading through rugged red rock.

The next moment there would be snow...

and then in a blink we were back to the brilliant sky party we'd been enjoying throughout the trip.

And as the topography changed I thought about my own life, how one moment it's rugged rock and in a blink smooth, flatland. And I considered the weather and this life, how the morning can begin with blue skies, then often, without warning, in the afternoon it turns  dim and cloudy.  I recall verses I HAD to memorize years ago from Ecclesiastes 7:13-14, "Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what He has made crooked. When things are good, be happy; but when things are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their own future." 

Good and bad- both are inevitable. This isn't heaven. But God. He's God of both. And I HAD to memorize those verses because I HAD to remember that.  
"Really we don't need much, 
Just strength to believe, 
There's honey in the rock; there's more than we see. 
In these patches of joy, these stretches of sorrow,
 there's enough for today, there will be enough tomorrow."  

I HAVE to remember...  
 "There's honey in the rock."

And that as Emilie said, "This is part of the adventure," and that the patches of joy are actually made so much sweeter because of the stretches of sorrow. 

I want to remember...    

that  between the snow and the sky party, Michael, wondered aloud if we would see a snowbow.  Huh?  He explained, "Like a rainbow, but it comes after the snow." Of course!  We didn't. But Michael is funny.  Oh, I sure do love him! I'm so grateful to do these patches of joy and stretches of sorrow with him. With the guy who promised, "I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a 1000 miles to fall down at your door...dadalatda." 

This marriage is honey in the rock.  

 "Love is a diamond hidden in mountains covered in danger and dirt. 
I'm on the outside digging and digging, I've seen and I know what it's worth... 
I feel the love between us."  

I want to remember...  
how we arrived to Zion at sunset. The time of our arrival was Divinely appointed. I know that. I know the Maker of Heaven and Earth wanted us to arrive at that very moment. He wanted to put His AWEsomemess on display for Michael, for Noah, for Emilie, for Josefine, for me - for His beloveds.

The clouds were brilliant and billowy in the bluest sky as the sunset burst through them and fell on Zion.  I couldn't take photos. I couldn't press record for video. I could only take it in. I teared up!  The sight of it literally caused my soul and my eyes to water. 

Zion was so Magnificent. So Glorious. So Other. And I felt small. A good and necessary small.

"Your reality is my good medicine. Tell me who we are, and who I am... 
and you're too good to be true."

At one point I literally thought I'd died and gone to Heaven. I'm totally serious. I actually took a head count in the car to make sure we were all there. And then it occurred to me we probably wouldn't be in Heaven in our Saturn Outlook. ;)

Then I wondered if that's how it will be when God takes me Home... one moment I'll be in this world, and the next moment I'll be aware that I am in His. I think so. I know so. And I can't believe earth's Zion barely scratches the surface of Heaven's Zion. I mean, "I scarce can take it in! How great Thou art, How great Thou art!" 

I want to remember...
reading and  thinking, "Our wonder needs reawakening,"  and how more beautiful to me than all of Zion was watching Wonder reawakening in my children. 

I want to remember...
that I saw a ram! 

"Meet me at the river, oh oh oh. 
 Fashion us a raft and oar...  

we're goin' on an expedition,
we're looking for lost time.

And it might take days and days,
and it might be 
extravagant and wasteful,

we'll be gone as long as it takes, 
looking for lost time."

 Michael said he wants to remember, "Being together, experiencing new things, and seeing my family's smiles, even in the cold."  He  continued, "I have memories of this trip as a kid (to the Grand Canyon), and now I have memories with my family!

 I want to remember...

watching Michael walking with the girls, holding their hands, being playful and silly and affectionate with them. I think I need that for them more than they need it for themselves.  

Noah says he wants to remember, "When I first saw Zion, because it was the coolest view I've ever seen."
  I want to remember...

Noah was rest. He is most himself when he is in the outdoors. When he is in wonder of Majesty; when he is rehabilitated to the highest.  Noah needs to be outdoors more. I need to see him outdoors more.

 I want to remember...

 standing in the tent trailer, and him giving me the look, then telling me he loves me, "mmmuch."  I want so much more sand

Emilie wants to remember, "Though there were hard times the trip was an adventure (I knew she'd want to remember that). She also wants to remember, "Daddy getting up in the mornings, while we all stayed in bed, and how he made us tea, coffee, and hot cocoa to warm us."

 I want to remember...

how Em's glass-half-full perspective warms us as much, if not more, than her dad's warm beverages. 

I also want to remember how silly we both looked sticking out our tongues to taste falling snow. I like having someone to be silly with me.

"I've been here before, 
and I'll tell you what I've seen, 
the hand of grace reaches down to me, 
a voice inside says I will be free"

Josie says she wants to remember, "The breathtaking sights, especially the view from the top of Emerald Pool in Zion, where she felt like she was on top of the world."  

 I want to remember...
 Josie's weak ankle throbbed for a good bit of the hiking, but she wanted to keep going. She teaches me to not quit; to keep my eye on the prize.

I also want to remember how she was always eager to be a helper; how she generously gave herself up to serve each one of us. 

 I want to remember...

they are 
 "honey in the rock."

 Live in Peace,