To Read on the Journey

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I Aint Missing You At All

A friend sent me a message last week sharing how she was “missing herself.”  She expressed feeling “misplaced.”

I get that. I have felt “misplaced” more times than I can count.

Because the lost is intended to be found, each misplaced time I went on a search for me.

I searched for me in the things that defined me:
my wounded childhood that I was pridefully overcoming
my ability to sing and lead worship
my ability to lead others
my ability to plan events
my ability to parent and  be a homemaker
my ability to make and be a friend
my ability to be perfect and raise the bar of “righteous” living for those around me.

I could ALWAYS find gratification in one of my abilities.  

The self gratification I got out of accomplishing one or all of these was exhilarating for the 15 minutes of fame that thrust me into the spotlight of everyone’s praise.

Ah, the lap of glory attained by self (gag).

But when my fame was over, and all my paparazzi returned to their lives, I felt misplaced again.
On most occasions all the "my"  was cleverly disguised as holiness (set apart).  And not just disguised to onlookers, but to me also.
Sadly, I didn’t know it wasn't God setting me apart, but me

setting myself apart... from God.

Till now.

After years (YEARS)  of this “searching for myself,”  God  tenderly and graciously revealed to me that I don’t miss me at all...  I am FULL OF ME!   

I miss Him.


I imagine all of heaven cheering as I was gripped by that deep despair of missing God.
That moment of grief for me, was surely a time of jubilant celebration for God, and the great cloud of witnesses, as this lost child was finally found.

In the past 6 months God has lovingly removed from me all the things that caused me to loose Him.  Things I was certain I could not live without (church of 17 years, worship leading, relationships, position/status). 

All that remains is HIM.

 No longer searching for me, I am finding Him, out in the wide open spaces of grace. 
Being Found in the Mysterious Unity- God/Jesus/ Holy Spirit, I am overwhelmed by the rich inheritance I  have  been given.
I see clearly that though I was self-gratified/glorified I was NEVER TRULY SATISFIED. 

I have never loved Him more.

God is enough for me.

I aint missing me at all!

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, 
but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:24-25

Praying that you and I would lose every last bit of ourselves, and find every ounce of  Him! 


Alexis said...

BEA-utifully said.

"All of more than enough for...all of me...for every thirst and every need"

Paige said...

wow, my sweet friend! That was good. Isn't it true though that the things that we see as heart-breaking for us to give up, causes God to cheer that we have finally seen the light? Instead of being concerned with the things of God we are concerned with the things of ourselves and therefore miss God all together.

Thanks for the reminder that he IS enough!!


Simply Sara said...

breaks my heart...i am so full of me.
i can see how he has been stripping away all the comforts of "my (self-imposed) fame" over the past year as well.

sad part is i still look for it. (i'm not as quick a learner as you! :-)
i still find myself looking for the fame. i suppose i just want to be recognized...

BUT i need to recognize that HE recognizes me. i need to find myself in Him.

syllatham said...

just what I needed to hear and beautifully delivered. heres to losing ourselves as we find Him. thanks!

denise said...

So good! I had to read this post twice just to let it soak in. It reminds me of a quote (by John Piper? I think) that goes something like, "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." Oh, to be satisfied in Him!

deb said...

when I grow up a little more I might be as wise as you.

ga said...

denise, you are so FULL (and not in a fat way b/c we all know you wear skinny jeans) and it shows! FULL of God and yourself in Him! I love what he is showing you and that you listen!