"you-sent-a-me"

how we happy 14th birthday'd noah. 

we welcomed noah to his day with crepe paper, balloons, and blue painter's tape awaiting him at his door.

we jones' are fancy people. so so hard to keep up with. 

we played hookie from work and home school {woot woot!}

packed a picnic lunch,

loaded up papa dan's truck {the gorilla's husband} with our bikes {which included noah's birthday gift- a new bike from us, nana n' gramps, and tia toni},

 and ventured off to "you-sent-a-me."
{how noah use to say "yosemite" - birthdays make me very sentimental}.
 

on the way we stopped at the best coffee joint ever, "the cool bean cafe." we treated our 14 year old to his first official coffee.  

his choice was a milkyway frappuccino- coffee with caramel and chocolate... i've raised him well. 

 after getting him his milkyway frap we agreed we all NEEDED a donut from judy's.

my very favorite moment from the day occurred just moments later in the truck, as noah gulped his coffee and inhaled his apple fritter and declared, "this is the best birthday ever!" 

he is easily pleased. *love*

no day of ours is complete without a bit of 

entertainment from the von Jones family singers.      

 

no one's life is complete without seeing this.

    you should come visit me.  

i'll take you here. 

{and buy you a frap and a donut}.

this makes me feel complete on this side of heaven-
being with my men in God's majestic creation. *bliss*

 

the day was enjoyed leisurely riding bikes,

surrounded by el capitan, half dome, and yosemite falls.  

*awe-some*

venturing off into the spider-caves.               

 icing my foot {tendonitis, ouch!} in the river. 

 
with a stop at the ansel adams gallery to check out our friend's photography exhibit and another friend's book. 
{we know incredibly talented people}.

  

followed by more bike riding,   

more taking in Beauty,

more delighting in our birthday boy...err...teen... err... young-man 

as well as his sisters, who make it way too easy to delight in them, also.

and more cherishing this day, 

which celebrates 14 years of one of the best adventures of our lives- parenthood.

we are blessed!

14

it's noah's 14th  birthday today, and i can brag if i want to.

noah is awesome 

really.

 it's impossible not to think someone is awesome when they love you a lot.

as i'm typing he's sitting beside me and looking at me.

he does that.

just looks at me.

he is very affectionate throughout the day. every morning he finds me to hug me.  he nestles into me, finding his spot in my arms.

he sees me and tells me i am pretty.  he begins in the morning when  i have bedhead and morning breath and other morning atrocities.  he reminds me throughout the day that i am pretty to him, and that he is "so glad i am his mom." 

he. sees. me. 

he's really cool to talk to.  he gets me. he is compassionate and tender with my heart. he really cares for me.  he's a deep thinker.  i like when he shares with me what is stirring inside him.  he doesn't know it, but the Spirit speaks truth into my life through him. 

when we are walking together he always grabs my hand. always. 

 he's my man when his dad isn't home; opening doors, jars, carrying heavy loads.

he's so handsome. i tell him i never have to make anything creative or amazing ever again because i outdid myself with him.  

he loves me.  a lot.

he is good to his sisters, too.

you should send me lots of $ and give me land and cows for a dowry so your daughter can marry him {in 30 years}.  she would be getting quiet a catch!

*******************************************************

we didn't know  noah's gender before he was born.

we decided to be surprised with the announcement of pink or blue. 

i was astonished when after 46 min. of pushing the doctor placed the 8lb 14oz baby on my tummy and announced "it's a boy."

i know the odds are 50/50, but at 24 i naively figured i was having a girl because i had no idea what to do with a boy. 

i recall inquiring of God's choice, "a boy?"

to which He answered, "now you have two men to love you."

my new mommy heart absorbed God's words and i joyously responded to Him, "a boy!"

from that day on i knew God's number one purpose in giving me noah -whose name means: rest, not broken, made whole- was to love me.

at 24, after being rejected by my own father and left by too many others it made sense that i would build an emotional barrier between me and love, particularly accepting love from a man.

but God.

first He gave me an a.maz.ing man in michael to love me.

{who by the way when we started dating was told by another godly man, "what denise needs is love. just love her." at 19 michael agreed to do just that, and has loved me with the tender love of Christ  ever since}.

then God goes all out again and give me this handsome boy... to love me!

it's overwhelming. 

"i scarce can take it in"

that's so my God!

and here's what i'm glad i got pretty quickly- if God gave me these two men with the purpose of loving me through them, than i'd better let them and Him do it!

i better embrace their love...

His love through them. 

do you understand what i'm saying?

that means no telling them, "no you don't."

no not trusting them and keeping them emotionally and physically at arms length.

it meant even if it made me uncomfortable, that i had to take in every ounce of their love. i HAD to.

i had to choose breath in their love, absorb it into my being, and allow all that was toxic to be replaced, by their overwhelming, unconditional, intoxicating love.

hmm,.."rest. not broken. made whole."

so today i don't only celebrate 14 years of being the mother to my awesome boy,

i celebrate 14 years of embracing God's-too-generous- LAVISHED-on-me-love that He gives to me through noah, michael, and Himself  {and the girls, but that's another story}.

i am blessed!

my old boyfriend

i'm cheating on my husband...

with my old boyfriend.

it's been years since i've seen this face.

 kissed this face. 

years!

i think we have a bit of catching up to do.

should-have-been

michael and i sat in a courtroom for 5 hours yesterday.

my dad, who had requested a trial by jury because he hopes to be released from his confinement at a state hospital, was seated a few rows ahead of us in the defendent's seat.  he was dressed in a borrowed gray polo shirt, black suit jacket, and slacks.  it's the first time in 14 years that i've seen him not wearing a state hospital or jail imposed jumper.

i was in a room with him for 5 hours. i've never been in a room with him for 5 hours. 
i sat behind him thinking about how dark his hair is.  noah has his dark hair.
i noticed his posture and how much he looks like his father who raised me.
i thought about a lot of things for those 5 hours.
i missed him. 

it was the second time michael has seen my dad.

my dad noticed us in the courtroom.  he waved and smiled.  

we spent a majority of the day listening to his psychiatrist and psychologist answer questions about my dad and his mental illness- schitzoaffective disorder/depression.

they shared about the symptoms of schitzoaffective disorder/depression: paranoia, delusions, auditory hallucinations, disorganized speech and thoughts, and clinical depression.

they shared about my dad's daily life in the hospital, and about how the symptoms of his illness manifest themselves through him.

i wasn't surprised.
i'm not a stranger to his illness.
i wish i was.
i wish he was.   

it is sad.

mental illness stole my dad from me.
and not just from me, but from my siblings, my grandparents, his sisters.
we mourn the loss of him everyday.
we were robbed of what could-have-been and should-have-been.

but

because he lives in a state hospital (in a controlled environment) i have a gift i never hoped to have  when his mental illness was intensified by 27 years of drug abuse.
i now have the ability to on rare occasion (when he agrees to take his meds and the illness is being managed) speak with him and even visit him.  

on those rare occasions i experience brief moments in conversation of "normal."
for a moment he is glad to see me or hear my voice, and especially glad to see and hear the voices of his grandchildren.  for a moment he delights in and expresses his love to all of us.  the moment passes too quickly as the symptoms of the illness swoop in and consume him again.
but for that moment i have the gift of  my dad.

i have a moment of should-have-been.

yesterday both the psychiatrist and psychologist testified that my dad is mentally ill, that he is not in remission, and that if released he poses a threat to others. 

this morning a jury will decide if he is to continue residing at the state hospital for treatment, or if he is eligible for release.

it is my prayer that he is not released.
it is my prayer that he continues to reside at the state hospital and receive treatment and care for his mental illness.

after court the psychologist commended my strength to be there for my dad.  she recognized my tear-stained state and acknowledged how emotionally difficult it is for family members who have lost a loved one to mental illness.
it is hard.
it is not fair.
there is a void where my dad is suppose to be.

but God.

He really does fill the void of father with Himself.

    
"Thou my Great Father, 

I Thy true son (daughter), 

though in me dwelling,

 and I with Thee one."
(from the hymn, Be Thou My vision)

And just like a Father should, He comforts,
He speaks truth into the questions, fears, and lies,
And He causes me to Hope in Him for my dad, who my Great Father loves.



*UPDATE*  Good News- my dad will not be released from the state hospital this year.

camp-out

happy monday afternoon, friends. 

it has been warm here in cali. 

this past weekend it was up in the high 80's! 

the warm temps made it easy for us to concede to the kids' request to have a camp-out in the backyard. 

i said to michael that it was 'too bad we didn't have a movie projector, because an outdoor movie would be a perfect addition to the kids' camp-out.'

i didn't know at the time that michael had movie- projector-borrowing-capabilities!
woot woot!

the camp-out/outdoor-movie night was on! 

so we set up the tents,
and an old white sheet for a movie screen.

the kids invited a few friends over. 

i rented a movie {we bought a zoo}, 

michael popped some popcorn,

and in a snap we made the kids' first camp-out in their new backyard a memorable one. 


and now i'm off to make dinner~ stuffed bell-peppers & garden salad.  yum!

how was your weekend? 

what's cooking at your casa? 

MOG Dress

in 6 weeks i'm going to be a MOG! 

"mother of graduate"

{an 8th grade graduate}.

isn't the MOG suppose to purchase a pretty dress for the occasion?

huh? 

different  MOG.

are you sure? 

cause i think this MOG needs to wear one of these lovelies to the celebration.  

 what do you think?

all dresses available at eshakti.com

 

speaking of dresses and noah~ when my almost-8th-grade-graduate was 5 he declared that when he grew up he was going to marry me. he said i was going to wear a green polka-dot dress to the wedding.  he said we would have chocolate chip cake and dance to "how sweet it is."

noah.  

he knows how to tug on this mama's heart strings...

tugs on them, gives the look, and i'm wrapped around his almost-in-high-school finger.

a few years ago he took back my ring-pop and broke off our engagement. 

it was fun while it lasted. 

so i was thinking maybe he'd get a kick out of his MOG wearing this to his graduation? 

or maybe the red one, i really like the red one.