punching bags

my mom got a punching bag for Christmas. it is hanging in her garage, where she does her punching thing. in my opinion it was an odd gift to request. i would never ask for a punching bag, i wouldn't want to waste my time beating and pounding at something.
or would i?

i have been a bit depressed lately. i thought it might be because it's winter; wet, cold, and gloomy outdoors, and so it has been gloomy in my heart and mind. but i don't think that is entirely why i have been down.

i have been on edge with my husband. i do not react well when i am on edge.
i have been over whelmed by motherhood, home schooling, kids 24/7, wanting to run off and disappear for just a little while.
but the truth is that it isn't life, husband, or kids that i need a break from.
i need a break from me, from the disappointment i feel that i am.

you see, i don't need a punching bag, i have one...me.

i am very good at beating and pounding at myself when i fail. being human, i fail a lot.

it is hard to stop doing something you are so well, good at. mike tyson, george foreman, and mohammad ali (sorry these are the only boxers i am familiar with), couldn't give me a better beating than i give myself.

i beat myself up with lies. lies that are so familiar, i have lived as if they are truth.

first, let me say that by God's grace and truth i have come along way in overcoming lies (that is a whole series of posts, someday). i no longer live in a tainted inner monologue world where i think everyone and everything is against me (yes, it was that ugly). i have come into a lot of freedom. however, it was brought to my attention recently that i haven't given up believing lies about myself.

i have learned how to extend grace, forgive, show mercy and love, show value to others, but i can't do this for myself. i can't embrace that i am worthy of grace, forgiveness, mercy, love, or value. i want to , but i can't.

God does tell me. He wraps His mighty arms around me, whispers in my ear, tells me who i really am. but i wiggle and squirm, fight to get away from His words, and tell Him no.

and i'm tired.

every night i pray over my children, and every night my prayers include these words, "Father tell them who they are in You, make them believe it, make them to live in your Truth, and in the fullness of Your love."

a friend asked me, "do you pray that for yourself?" my tear filled response was "no."

but i need to.

this same friend advised me to ask God to tell me who i am. she encouraged me to make a daily list. it has only been a few days, and i have felt some relief from the beatings-

Here is what God has said to me the past few days-
I am free
I am whole
I have a delightful inheritance
I am secure
I will not be shaken
I will not be abandoned (what i fear most)
I am filled with joy in God's presence
I am a beautiful bride
I am held
I am protected
I am supported
I am victorious
I am loved with unfailing love


and i'd like to stop there. tell you it is that easy, but for me it's not.
i have a difficult part with the "i am" part of each sentence. wrapping my mind around me being worthy of such things. i can't do it.

i tell God i can't do it.
He said, "I can. I can be the "I am" for you."
through tears, i smile, because i know He is the "I am" and of course He would step into my place for me, save me again.

today God said to me "I am blessed." i once heard someone say that "blessed" means "your on the right road."

so, i'm on the right road. good bye punching bag.