To Read on the Journey

Thursday, February 26, 2009

punching bags

my mom got a punching bag for Christmas. it is hanging in her garage, where she does her punching thing. in my opinion it was an odd gift to request. i would never ask for a punching bag, i wouldn't want to waste my time beating and pounding at something.
or would i?

i have been a bit depressed lately. i thought it might be because it's winter; wet, cold, and gloomy outdoors, and so it has been gloomy in my heart and mind. but i don't think that is entirely why i have been down.

i have been on edge with my husband. i do not react well when i am on edge.

i have been over whelmed by motherhood, home schooling, kids 24/7, wanting to run off and disappear for just a little while.
but the truth is that it isn't life, husband, or kids that i need a break from.
i need a break from me, from the disappointment i feel that i am.

you see, i don't need a punching bag, i have

i am very good at beating and pounding at myself when i fail. being human, i fail a lot.

it is hard to stop doing something you are so well, good at. mike tyson, george foreman, and mohammad ali (sorry these are the only boxers i am familiar with), couldn't give me a better beating than i give myself.

i beat myself up with lies. lies that are so familiar, i have lived as if they are truth.

first, let me say that by God's grace and truth i have come along way in overcoming lies (that is a whole series of posts, someday). i no longer live in a tainted inner monologue world where i think everyone and everything is against me (yes, it was that ugly). i have come into a lot of freedom. however, it was brought to my attention recently that i haven't given up believing lies about myself.

i have learned how to extend grace, forgive, show mercy and love, show value to others, but i can't do this for myself. i can't embrace that i am worthy of grace, forgiveness, mercy, love, or value. i want to , but i can't.

God does tell me. He wraps His mighty arms around me, whispers in my ear, tells me who i really am. but i wiggle and squirm, fight to get away from His words, and tell Him no.

and i'm tired.

every night i pray over my children, and every night my prayers include these words, "Father tell them who they are in You, make them believe it, make them to live in your Truth, and in the fullness of Your love."

a friend asked me, "do you pray that for yourself?" my tear filled response was "no."

but i need to.

this same friend advised me to ask God to tell me who i am. she encouraged me to make a daily list. it has only been a few days, and i have felt some relief from the beatings-

Here is what God has said to me the past few days-
I am free
I am whole
I have a delightful inheritance
I am secure
I will not be shaken
I will not be abandoned (what i fear most)
I am filled with joy in God's presence
I am a beautiful bride
I am held
I am protected
I am supported
I am victorious
I am loved with unfailing love

and i'd like to stop there. tell you it is that easy, but for me it's not.
i have a difficult part with the "i am" part of each sentence. wrapping my mind around me being worthy of such things. i can't do it.

i tell God i can't do it.
He said, "I can. I can be the "I am" for you."

through tears, i smile, because i know He is the "I am" and of course He would step into my place for me, save me again.

today God said to me "I am blessed." i once heard someone say that "blessed" means "your on the right road."

so, i'm on the right road. good bye punching bag.


Anonymous said...

i came from Annie's blog.
love yours.

BethAnne said...

OH GIRL!!!!!

I SOOOOOO know what you are talking about....I sooo know! I wish I lived close to you so we could get together and speak truth over one another......its so hard to stop the cycle of beating yourself up and believing God.......I am praying for you.

Simply Sara said...

Beautiful post.

I can so relate....I am slowly learning the very same things.
I love that even though I'm good at fighting it, HE never gives up on teaching me HIS truth!...see he's using YOU to remind me once again what HIS truth really is!

Thanks for sharing your heart!

Alana said...

Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. I totally get this...I am this...right now...often. I am a champion at beating myself up for sure! I appreciated this post...thanks for sharing.

Love to you!

Linda Z said...

Denise, this is one of my favorite posts that you have ever shared. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know the Lord will give you victory in these things, too.

You said, "i no longer live in a tainted inner monologue"

Have you ever noticed when this goes on that you are thinking in third person? Like "you are a failure"? I really believe that's the enemy... the father of lies. He is the accuser. I'm so glad that you are standing up to Him through your Redeemer so that he has no choice but to flee from you!!

Keep standing strong!! Keep asking Him to help in your unbelief. Keep running to your Heavenly Father's arms.

Cari said...

You know I'm right there with you. How do you get the Truths from your head to your heart so you can live and walk in them? That's where I'm at Sister. I love how you so eloquently put things. Thanks

Shirin said...

Good Bye Punching Bag and Hello....

I look forward to when you can fill up the rest of the sentence with the Truth.

For what it is worth, God has given people around you eyes to see and hears to hear what God has prepared for you because God has revealed it by His Spirit. (1 Corninthians 2)
People are the hands and feet of Jesus. He is good. You can trust all He says about you and He wants to tell you SO MUCH!

Kristen said...

bruised and battered from all the years of beating myself up... it is hard to get off that path.

this was lovely neighbor, something i needed to hear myself.

hurry up and move next door.

Stacy said...

Denise, This is EXACTLY why I would love for you to pray about sharing devotions on Daily Surrender to Jesus!! So many of us really can relate to this! And it is really encouraging to see you be so open, honest and leaning on the TRUTH of God's Word. Thank you for sharing this!

denise said...

Great post. Thanks for directing me to this one.

I DO definitely get what you're saying.

She Butterfly said...

Great post!

Teresa said...

Sorry, I just read this today and it shook me to my core. Thank you! Thank you!

Lisa said...

Could it be that I met a friend who understands my winter time "blues"? I love how well you put into words something most moms have felt at one point or another, especially home school moms! I have to say, its all worth it. God didn't have us homeschooling for Josh's last two years, but I have zero regrets for the 13 years that we did home school. I often felt unprepared & unqualified, but God... :) He is so faithful!