i was intentional about guarding my mind, not entertaining thoughts of "could be."
i backed away from leadership, put my passionate self in time-out.
with michael i weighed my motives, and was careful with the steps i took and conversations i had.
in all these areas i didn't always succeed, but you can't know how desperately i tried...
and i was miserable.
because secretly i longed for a great romance with the church.
my trying was a spiritual adulterers attempt to satisfy the needs of my first love, while longing for another.
i treated God like a voodoo doll god, who would see my attempts at humility. approve. then, exalt me in the church (instead of with Him) in due time.
then God had enough. He tenderly asked us to leave our beloved church.
you can't imagine how painful this was. how painful it is for our family... how painful this is for a girl from an earthly family that was broken more times than i can count to leave a family, a home.
but "whoring around" on God causes a greater pain.
a pain which caused me to be unrecognizable to me.
i was disgusted with myself.
i know now that is a beautiful place to be.
"Am i willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all i think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with everything but God."When i pray-"Lord show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts in me: It is Himself in me."
Part 4 & conclusion tomorrow.