To Read on the Journey

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Preoccupied...part 3

 i tried for the last year to get out of the adulterous relationship i have had with the church while remaining at the church.

i was intentional about guarding my mind, not entertaining thoughts of "could be."
i backed away from leadership, put my passionate self in time-out.
with michael i weighed my motives, and was careful with the steps i took and conversations i had.
in all these areas i didn't always succeed, but you can't know how desperately i tried...

and i was miserable.

because secretly i longed for a great romance with the church. 

my trying was a spiritual adulterers attempt to satisfy the needs of my first love, while longing for another.

i treated God like a voodoo doll god, who would see my attempts at humility. approve.  then, exalt me in the church (instead of with Him) in due time.

 then God had enough.  He tenderly asked us to leave our beloved church.

you can't imagine how painful this was.  how painful it is for our family... how painful this is for a girl from an earthly family that was broken more times than i can count to leave a family, a home.

but "whoring around" on God causes a greater pain.

a pain which caused me to be unrecognizable to me.

 i was disgusted with myself.

i know now that is a beautiful place to be. 

"Am i willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all i think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with everything but God."
When i pray-"Lord show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me.  It means being made one with Jesus.  Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts in me: It is Himself in me." 
Part 4 & conclusion tomorrow. 


Paige said...

you are strong, Denise. And God is so gonna bless your socks off (who says old grannies say least you aren't old grannie sounding like me)....But He will...he will knock you out with His blessings in His time. Stay true.
Hey-maybe while he knocks you out with his blessings, he will knock that stone out too! :)

Your posts rock. My favorite blog to read. Love your honesty.

Simply Sara said...


love how God "has enough" and evokes change in us.

Paige said...

well, the rewrite is great...didn't think you could improve on it but you proved me wrong.

I am with Sara...tears.


Anonymous said...

I was deeply moved by your honesty and openness about this life-changing event. After having read parts 1-3, however, I'm left trying to understand how you surmised that your devotion to the church is tantamount to "whoring around" with God. I've always believed that church is the body of Christ. "For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ." - 1 Cor 12:12-1. Granted, I don't personally know you or the the details surrounding your decision to leave the church, but It sounds as if you were doing exactly what Jesus would've wanted you to do by serving in the church. It also sounds as if you were a highly devoted and integral member of the body of Christ -- the church -- and you responded to that call of discipleship with your God-given passion. What a wonderful example to set for your children. In closing, some food for thought: By leaving the church, did you, in effect, sever a very important member of the body of Christ?

Denise said...

anonymous, the "whoring around on God," was cheating on him by making the church my love instead of God.

i was doing as Christ wanted me to serving in the church, i was highly devoted... but i crossed a fine line and went from being devoted to Christ to being devoted to the church.

i was completely missing God, because i was so wrapped up in serving,loving, committing myself to my church.

though i left this church (in obedience to Christ) i haven't severed myself from the body.
i love the body of Christ-the church. LOVE IT!

but i want to be fully committed to Christ, not to anything else.

my next post will share a bit more
of what God is doing to heal.

thank you for your concern, and for speaking (commenting) to me in Truth. you are why i love the church.

Cari said...

I know I sure miss those "members" of THE body, but I understand too and selfishly pray it is only for a season. :D