(Pre) Occupied...part 4

"But you walked away from your first love- why?  What's going  on with you, anyway?  Do you have any idea how far you've fallen?  A Lucifer fall!

Turn back!  Recover your dear early love."

 Revelation 2:4-5a The Message

dear blog friends, i want you to know this is all being unveiled in the past few weeks. even as i type i am glimpsing the reality of who i've been... and i am seeing who God has been.

He has been wonderfully Jealous for me.
He has been Faithful.
He has waited for me to return to him.
He has whispered in my ear countless times (yes, i've heard him) to "return to Him, my First Love."

For now, God has lead us to a different church (40 minuets away).  each week as i enter worship,  i hear Him say "return to your First Love."  each message seems to rekindle the intimacy God and i had in those first days.  He is romancing me. wooing me.
i don't deserve it.  i feel as one who has been unfaithful. i am having a hard time receiving his affection, so unworthy...but still, He romances me.

God gave me this image a few weeks ago- of a room filled (preoccupied) with the church (my idol).   little by little that room was cleared out. and then it sat empty.

empty is where i am now.

God is gently showing me that empty is good.

And this is why, there is more to the image- after the room sat empty, this bride longed only for her Lover and One True God.

And He came...

and HE FILLED THAT ROOM.

and He changed the sign on the door to read "Occupied."

hmmm.

so what does a believer preoccupied with Christ look like?
what does a wife and mother preoccupied with Christ look like?
what does a member of the body(church) of Christ look like?

glory. 

My God I want to live a life that glorifies you.  Cause me to long for You, God. I want you to be my only Lover, my only God.  Be the One who occupies my heart, mind, and soul. Heal me through and through. Thank you for the ways you magnify Your mercy on me, Continue to  tell me, show me how you are madly in love with me.  Show Yourself to me. Show me the way to Your heart.  Sanctify me.  Make me one with You. in Jesus Who Saves and Redeems my life, amen.

Preoccupied...part 3

 i tried for the last year to get out of the adulterous relationship i have had with the church while remaining at the church.

i was intentional about guarding my mind, not entertaining thoughts of "could be."
i backed away from leadership, put my passionate self in time-out.
with michael i weighed my motives, and was careful with the steps i took and conversations i had.
in all these areas i didn't always succeed, but you can't know how desperately i tried...

and i was miserable.

because secretly i longed for a great romance with the church. 

my trying was a spiritual adulterers attempt to satisfy the needs of my first love, while longing for another.

i treated God like a voodoo doll god, who would see my attempts at humility. approve.  then, exalt me in the church (instead of with Him) in due time.

 then God had enough.  He tenderly asked us to leave our beloved church.

you can't imagine how painful this was.  how painful it is for our family... how painful this is for a girl from an earthly family that was broken more times than i can count to leave a family, a home.

but "whoring around" on God causes a greater pain.

a pain which caused me to be unrecognizable to me.

 i was disgusted with myself.

i know now that is a beautiful place to be. 

"Am i willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all i think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with everything but God."

When i pray-"Lord show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me.  It means being made one with Jesus.  Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts in me: It is Himself in me." 

Part 4 & conclusion tomorrow. 

Preoccupied... part 2

Hosea 2: 5a-8

"She said, "I will go after my lovers,

who give me food and my water,

my wool and linen, my oil and my drink.

Therefore I will block her path in thornbushes;

I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them.

Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,

for then I was better off than now.'

She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold-

Which they used for Baal...

like Hosea's wife and the Israelites, i have been a spiritual adulterer.
(gulp, those words are hard to swallow).

i have given myself over to something other than God.
i have gone after it, seeking to find my sustenance in it (my worthiness and purpose).
i have been romancing it (something other than a kidney stone, which yes, i still have); prettying myself up for it emotionally and spiritually, persuading it to delight in me.
i have chased after it, and have been FIXATED on it.

i have been cheating on God... with the church.

i made the church my idol.   

the church has been what my identity is found in, and what i've lived for.

ANYTHING can become our idol if we are not cautious; worship, church leadership, motherhood, a job/purpose, education, blog, facebook, self-image, money... (these come to mind because they are what i struggle with most).  

thankfully our God is a jealous God who wants us entirely for himself. 

Hosea 2:14

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will speak tenderly to her.

Hosea 2:16 and19-21

"In that day," declares the Lord, you will call me husband... I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.  I will betroth you in faithfulness,

and you will acknowledge the Lord."

Have you ever cheated on God? 

our church's steeple- photographed by michael.  

Preoccupied... part 1

 
"it's sin" i told him, as we walked into the restaurant.  

"it was intended to be pure, holy, good, but i've held onto it so dearly [for dear life] that my entire being is dependent on it.   

what is good can become sin if you desire it more than God."

we sat at the table with partially eaten french toast. the distance between his heart and mine decreasing as his spirit embraced my broken spirit.  safe with my love i sobbed, "i miss God."  

looking not at me but through me, he spoke tenderly, "i see that... i've seen that for sometime."

tears. 

i came up for air, and whispered, " i don't want to miss God anymore."

 

backtracking...i mean packing

two weeks ago michael, noah, emilie, and my cousin sean, went back packing to lady lake in the ansel adam's wilderness.

this was sean's first backpacking trip.

they all had a wonderful time together taking in God's magnificent beauty.

i am so grateful for the memories they made.

i won't bore you with any more talk. i think the pictures say it all. 

b.f.f.'s

me and you
and you and me
no matter how they toss the dice
it has to be 
the only one for me is you 
and you for me
so happy (in my mouth) together.

what are your b.f.f. food combos?

p.s. i'm still "stoned," which might explain the food cravings
(trying to keep my sense of humor here).