It has been a very trying week. Trying physically, emotionally, spiritually. Nearly 6 months ago I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy. It was a hard decision to make, the thought of being 33 and having a hysterectomy was a lot to process. But the physical pain I was in from endometriosis was too much, and it was affecting every area of our lives. After surgery and recovery the physical symptoms were gone, however depression showed it's ugly face, and the fight was on. Thankfully, after a few months with counseling, and vitamins (Mannatech), I found myself to feel better than I had felt in years. I had forgotten that I could feel that good physically and emotionally.
In the past few weeks however some of the symptoms have returned.
I find myself sad, I just wanted to be done with that season.
This week I was diagnosed as having Interstitial Cystitis. Meaning the lining in the bladder is thin or no longer, causing severe pain. I will change my diet, and I have begun a new drug, Elmiron. I really dislike using medication to heal my body, I fear the side affects, but this seems like the only option.
The hardest thing about being in pain, is not feeling yourself, feeling as if you have been stolen away. I was just remembering that I like who I am ,and that I really like my husband and kids, I really like life,other people, and God. Being in pain makes me feel as if I am spinning, the little unimportant things set me off too easily. So, today I have sent the kids to a friends for the day (Michael has a wedding), there they will be free to be kids, and I will have fewer things to beat myself up over at the end of this day.
I try to find the good in this, I know that being in pain does make me more sensitive and compassionate to others who hurt. I have seen my own kids grow in mercy, compassion, kindness, and helpfulness. These are beautiful things to see in them, but it is hard, I want them to be carefree kids for as long as they can, but God knows better. I can only count on him for the shaping and molding of their lives in the circumstances of ours.
Need some covering.