a child

during the fall of 1992, i took an evangelism class at a church on monday evenings. in this class we dove right in- memorizing scripture, pairing up, and going out.
yes, every monday that year i could be found knocking on someones door, or stopping somebody on the street, as sharing Jesus and saving lives was the goal. i can't say i am entirely proud of those monday evenings, there was a bit of ignorance and pride in that young girl, but i do miss that girl who was sure of God's love, and wanted more than anything for others to know and live in it.

occasionally our class would go to events. i had signed up to be a "barker" at an upcoming event at the local fair grounds. at that event i stood outside a tent and barked invitations for passers by to come in. on this particular day though i couldn't do it. so much was stirring inside me, my heart was heavy, and i had many questions for God, questions from a little girl reeling with hurt, and i needed Him to be near. so, i asked my teacher if i could take a break.

i walked off to a quiet place alone and let it all out, all my "God why" questions.
"why doesn't my dad love me?
why is my relationship with my mom broken?
why am i struggling?
God am i enough, am i okay with you?"
after i was done praying i looked up and there were children running on the other side of the fence that i was seated next to. i continued, "God, i need to be a child right now, children need their daddy's, and i need to be your child."

i walked back, returned to my place, and began to bark when a man in a booth across the way said he would answer my questionnaire. i walked over and proceeded to ask this stranger, whose name was Gill, a list of questions. mid way through the questions Gill stopped me and said, "Denise, why are you carrying this heavy load? You have got a backpack on your back filled with burdens, you must let them go"... he continued on telling me of my needs, and then telling me that my relationship with my mother is broken because we both desire to be accepted, he expressed hurt that my dad didn't love me, and then at the end of the conversation
he said, "Denise, your alright, your okay, your just fine." already in tears, i said "i was just over there and praying that and.." then he said, "do you know what you remind me of?"
i waited. "you remind me of a child."

when the conversation ended Gill said he had no idea where these words had come from. i did, it was a divine appointment, God showed Himself as Wonderful Counselor and Father to me that day through this strange wonderful man.

today, i was reading once again in My Utmost for His Highest.

The Son of God is born into me by the direct act of God; then i as a child of God have to exercise the right of a child, the right of being always face to face with my Father. Am i continually saying with amazement to my common-sense life - why do you want to turn me off here? Don't you know that I must be about my Father's business? Whatever the circumstances may be, that Holy Innocent Eternal Child must be in contact with His Father.

i want that.

nothing in me

From My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers

The bravery of God in trusting us! you say- "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you...

It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring, but of what God put into us...

As Christians we are not after our own cause, we are out for the cause of God... we do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens....

The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is the one thing God asks us to look after.

i use to chase worthiness. i was good at it. i could get praise, affection, and value at the drop of a hat. if i was feeling low, than i would find a way to feel worth. this went on for years, until God had had enough. winning mans approval had become priority, living in God's love had become secondary.
it all fell apart, and it seemed i was nobody to everybody. God wouldn't let me be.
i didn't realize this is the goal, to be nothing. there is freedom in that, not having to be anything, anybody, good enough, lovely, lovable, talented, capable, doing...
but it's so hard to be/do nothing.

but there is beauty in that nothingness-it's humility. humility looks like Jesus.

i have got to learn to chase nothingness.

i want to be a child when it comes to my Father. my children are worthy because they are my children. i will give up my whole self for them because they are mine.
i want to get it, know it, breath it, live it, with my Father God- that i am WORTHY!
this is the relationship i must maintain. what an atmosphere that would be!

Steven Curtis Chapman will be on Good Morning America and Larry King Live this week.

letting go

We dropped Noah and Emilie off for camp again today, for 2 weeks!

The original plan at the beginning of summer was that they would go to Sherwood Forest at Calvin Crest for 1 week.By mid June they were given another opportunity to go to camp at YSSC for 2 weeks.
Let me be honest, I said no originally to letting them go. I was not (am not) ready for them to be gone for 2 whole weeks. But after hearing about the wonderful program, staff, campers, and adventures they would experience I knew this mommy needed to let go.

I hold them tightly. I do (tears). I LOVE them.
There are many reasons I hold on to them so tightly.
First, like many mothers I fear life without them, I trust myself to care for and be their protector.
Another reason is that nobody held on to me when I was a child. I desperately desired to be wanted, treasured, valued, kept. No day goes by without my children knowing how I treasure them.
Next, I am selfish. I want to share every moment with them, I want to be a part of all their memories.

And Last, because the old ladies in the grocery store were right- the ones who'd approach me when they were babies, and say, "enjoy them, it goes by fast." It does go by fast, too fast.
and it feels like every time they walk away from me that they are moving closer and closer to walking away from me for good (tears). I just want to keep them here and mine forever.
But I can't.
So, I let them go... And watch them walk, and pray that as they walk away from me they walk to Jesus.

i am a promise!

if you have been following my blog than you have likely read my story.

i wouldn't say that i was raised in a Christian home. The lives my parent's and step-people lived were anything but godly.
When i went to live with my mother at the age of 6, she was married to my first step-dad, Kenny. Kenny loved Jesus. When he and my mom were together (between my ages of 4-7), she gave her life to Christ, was baptized, and we went to church. Sadly, life with Kenny wasn't all that perfect, they smoked pot regularly, and by the end of their short marriage each were dating a few different people. However, Kenny poured Jesus into us to the best of his 20yr old capabilities. He bought us bibles, shared bible stories with us, prayed with us, and just as important- loved us, played with us, and wanted more for us. He was the first man i called daddy. Calling him daddy came easily. Being wanted by a daddy came easily. When Kenny left, i was never the same.
i saw Kenny a few weeks ago. ironically he and my mother now attend the same church. He has definitely had struggles in his life, but in the very deepest part of him will always live a man who desires and loves Jesus. i am thankful to that man, and to the seeds God planted through him.
During the "Kenny years" my sister and i received a record The Bill Gaither Trio's Just for Kid.
We would play the record over and over on my little blue record player. We'd sing along with Bill and Gloria, neither of us knowing all the truth that was being tucked into our hearts.
Today i found and played those songs again (on cassette). i sang loudly and with enthusiasm just like that 7 yr old girl. i remembered all the lyrics. i cried, as i soaked up every word, thankful for the shaping of a little girl's heart. Thankful that even as life unraveled around me, God rejoiced over me with singing.
Deuteronomy 29:29 says, "The truth that has been revealed to you will not be taken from you or your children's children." i count on this verse as i raise my own children. Hearing these songs i see the fruit of it in my own life.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs on the record-
i am a promise
i am a possibility
i am a promise with a capital "P "
i am a great big bundle of potentiality
and i am learning to hear God's voice
and i am trying to make the right choices
i'm a promise to be anything He wants me to be

Other favorites on the record include-
Jesus i Heard You Had a Big House
Kid's Under Construction
Let All the Little Children Praise the Lord

This week i have been encouraged by these beautiful words and thoughts by
Jennifer at Gathering Grace
and Sarah at Best Days of My Life