To Read on the Journey

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Horror Moans"

It was Saturday a.m. and we were all cleaning the house. 
Emilie was on dusting duty when I discovered her in tears.  Was it the Pine Sol that had brought on the tears?  It couldn't be.  Of all three kids Emilie actually enjoys cleaning. The old saying "the way to my heart is through my stomach the vacuum cleaner" applies to both Emilie and I.
So why the tears?
"Emilie, why are you crying?"
She sobs.
Looks at me.
Then says the words I understand
"I'm just hormonal."

In that moment I ached for her; she's 11 for crying out loud.
She's barely begun to swing on the estrogen/progesterone/testosterone pendulum!
However,  one of us had to remain calm. Steady. SANE!!
This wasn't time for me to hop on the "woe is me" hormonal pendulum with her.
I had to think fast.
I needed to offer her a way out from being another casualty on this amusement-of-nobody hormonal ride. 
'Think Denise! Think....

I immediately lead her to my stash of Giradelli chocolate chips.
"Take a few" I said.
She took 3.
"No Emilie, 3 won't even take the edge off.  You must take half a handful, no more no less."
She looked at me puzzled.

"Listen closely Grasshopper, you must be wise with your chocolate consumption."
As she munched on her chocolate pieces and the attack of the hormones were subsiding I continued...
"Emilieson, a half a handful will take the edge off and make you feel giddy,
Do not.
Under any circumstances.
consume a whole handful of chocolate!"
She looked at me confused as the chocolaty sweetness eased her hormone induced sadness.
I imparted my wisdom from too many years of experience.
"Emilie, a whole handful of chocolate is deceptive.  You think you will feel good, but you will cross over to the hormonal dark side and feel worse than you did before!"
 You'll think 'I shouldn't have,' feel chocolate bloated (which is the most terrorizing kind of bloated), and more hormonal than you did before!"
Emilie looked at me, and shook her head in understanding (though she probably tuned me out some where between "a half a handful and Grasshopper," struck by the miracle that I was actually sharing my chocolate stash with her rather than taking in my great words/years of hormonal wisdom).

Ahhhh, time will tell. In the meantime it's time to stock up on CHOCOLATE!

Later that evening we girls were curled up on the couch together, watching some teeny-bopper show off Net-Flix when Emilie brought up the hormone saga from earlier that day.  Josie and I both thought we heard Emilie say, "horror moans."  We busted up laughing right there in the middle of  Sonny With A Chance..."baahahahaha horror moans!"  "Horror Moans, bahahahhaha" we wailed some more.

(Makes you wonder if the word hormones actually originated from "horror moans."
Horror: something horrible; strong fear, dread, or dislike.  Moan: a long low sound indicating pain or grief... I'm just say'n).

Turns out a good dose of laughter and a half a handful of chocolate is the perfect prescription for dealing with "horror moans!" 

For those of you with girls entering this wonderful dreaded season of life,  I highly recommend American Girl's Care & Keeping of You   which carefully leads and equips young girls who are maturing (totally beats being corralled in the gymnasium with sixty 5th grade girls to watch "the movie," followed  by receiving the brown paper bag filled with unmentionables that the 5th grade boys pester you about for the remainder of the school day.  Oh! the trama). 

For those of you who curl up in a ball in your closet and rock yourselves while  uncontrollable tears pour from the core of your mommy heart (this was me for  3 years at just the mention of my kids maturing or discussion of having "the talk") I recommend you start reading this book.


Harsh Exposure said...

I adore this post! Not only do I completely agree with you, but I'm sure I will be begging you for advise 10 years from now. {{as I slip a thin mint into my mouth}}

Kathleen said...

This is precious! And I agree, the American Girl book is a wonderful selection. I recently saw it at Borders and remembered how much I valued it when I was experiencing horror moans at a too young age:)

Cari said...

Oh Denise, I nearly spit my coffee out reading this!!! You are hilarious! You are sooo awesome and I'm so glad you are my friend and you are treading these grounds WAAAAYYYY before me! :D

Kristen said...

oh sweet emilie....

you will have to teach morgan about the chocolate since i am not a fan of chocolate that has never been a way to deal with horror moans for me.

i am so thankful that we are navigating this stage/age together. it is so wonderful to toss ideas off a friend and know that i am not going crazy nor is my daughter. i am thankful our girls have each other. God knew we all needed each other :o)

i LOVE you!

Simply Sara said...

i am currently eating a handful of m&ms.
it's 8:18am.
oh the horror moans....

i too am so thankful that you are wading these waters before me.

love you friend.

Janelle said...

Oh, the fifth grade talk.

Still. Remember. Every. Detail.

Jenn said...

i have been in the throws of horror moans lately. i almost never eat chocolate unless i am. lately i've been eating a lot of chocolate.

i have two daughters, they are 7 & 4. thankfully they have not discovered my secret hiding place of chocolate yet.

every time i go to barnes & noble, i see that book and make a mental note.

emilie has my condolences...

denise said...

Funny, funny post. I'm so glad your girls have you! :)

Oh, and thanks for the reminder about that super-awkward 5th grade talk. Ha! I'll never forget that day. A boy in my class came to school late that day and unknowingly walked into a classroom full of girls...with a huge full-color diagram of the female reproductive system over the chalkboard. That poor kid never knew what hit him!