whispered hope

EDITED & REPOSTED from last year, because this is what i'm thinking about today, the day before Josie's 10th birthday. 

11 years ago on Saturday, February 10th, 2001 I was at a 4 day retreat, 'The Walk to Emmaus."
My husband, Michael, had joined men from all over central California the weekend before on "The Walk," and on this weekend it was my turn to join 60 unfamiliar women, at an unfamiliar church,  in an unfamiliar small town, in hopes to (like the disciples on the "Road to Emmaus") come face to face with Jesus.

To be honest, I didn't think I would see Jesus.... really, I didn't want to.
I was mad at Him.
It had been almost 5 months since He took Caleb home.
I was sad.
I wanted my baby back.
In my belly.
I wanted to be looking forward to the month ahead when Caleb was due with joyful anticipation.  Instead I was dreading it; mourning every single day without my son.

During the afternoon on this day of "The Walk,"  all the ladies on the retreat were lead into a sanctuary.  There we were given the opportunity to meet with a pastor for counsel.  After counsel and prayer we would be anointed with oil (freedom).  We could sit in the pews for as long as we needed, but we could not leave the sanctuary until we met with the pastor.

I sat there alone for what seemed like hours.

I watched one woman after another get up and walk, but I would not.

 I sat in that pew and ignored God.
He did not ignore me.
He spoke.
Teary eyed I pretended to ignore Him.
He cradled me.
I wrestled Him to release me from His arms.
Still, He held me.
He cupped my tearful face in His hands.
I closed my eyes.
He spoke, "Beloved."
I cried..."Why? Why did you take my son? I want him back"
He listened.
Still unable to look at Him, I asked, "Will I always feel such grief?"
He whispered, "Your life will look different a year from now."
"What?" I asked confused.
He spoke again, "Your life will look different a year from now."

I  took in Life-Giver's words.

Finally, the last one in the sanctuary, I made my way to the altar.  There Wonderful Counselor spoke words of Comfort, Truth, Peace and Hope through the pastor, and I was anointed with oil. 

I returned home from "The Walk" assuming God meant my grief would change within the next year.  I  didn't think God meant for me to take His words literally.

Fast forward a year to the Wednesday before Sunday, February 10th, 2002.  I was 38 weeks pregnant with a little girl.  Michael and I met with our o.b. for a routine check-up and asked about being induced (something I'd not done or considered before).  The o.b. agreed. He scheduled us for the upcoming Sunday.

As we drove home Michael and I discussed how odd it was that the dr. had chosen Sunday. We knew that was his day off?

"Why Sunday?" I asked. 

And the Spirit  reminded me of a promise made to me almost a year earlier, "Your life is going to look different a year from now." 

Exactly one year later

on 

Sunday, February 10th, 2002 

at 2:58 p.m., 

Josie 

(Josefine, "May God Add")

was born.  

How precious to me are your thoughts, 

O God! 

How vast is the sum of them! 

Psalm 139:17

Isn't God AMAZING,
and

Generous, 

and 

too too Good to us!?!!


 now i must go and smother my baby-girl with hugs and kisses, 

on this the last day

of the first decade 

of her life!

a year from now

this week is baby loss awareness week.  a week to remember babies "born into heaven."
to those of you who have lost a child i mourn with you your great loss, and i celebrate with you that some day we will be reunited with our children in Glory.

yesterday i posted "out of line," where i shared thoughts on the Psalm 139:16, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

one of those days written by God, that i may never understand this side of Heaven, was the day God took our son Caleb home.

but yesterday as we sat at the table sharing moments written by God i was reminded of and shared about another day penned by God's  hand.

the day Saturday, February 10th, 2001.  i was at a  4 day retreat, The Walk to Emmaus.  my husband had joined men from all over central California the weekend before on "The Walk," and this weekend it was my turn to join strangers, at an unfamiliar church in the middle of nowhere, hoping to come face to face with Jesus.

but i didn't think i would.  really,  part of me didn't want to. i was mad at Him. it had been almost 5 months since he took Caleb home. i was sad. i wanted my baby back, in my belly, i wanted to be looking forward to the month ahead when he was due. instead i was dreading it. mourning everyday without him.

during the afternoon on this day of The Walk, we were lead into a sanctuary where we were given the opportunity to meet with a pastor for counsel and to be anointed with oil (freedom.  we could sit in the pews for as long as we needed, but we could not leave the sanctuary until we met with the pastor.

i sat there alone for what seemed like hours... the last one to make the walk to the altar.

as i sat in that pew i ignored God.
He did not ignore me.
He spoke.
teary eyed i pretended to ignore Him.
He cradled me.
i wrestled Him to release me from His arms.
still, He held me.
He cupped my tearful face in His hands.
i closed my eyes.
He spoke, "Beloved."
i cried..."why? why did you take my son? i want him back"
He listened.
still unable to look at Him i asked, "will i always feel such grief?"
He whispered, "Denise, your life will look different a year from now."
"What?" i asked confused.
He spoke again, "your life will look different a year from now."

i made my way to the altar, where the Wonderful Counselor  continued to lead me into Comfort, Truth, and Peace as the pastor spoke and anointed me with oil. 

i left The Walk assuming God meant my grief would change within the next year. i didn't think He meant  for me to take Him literally.

the week before Sunday, February 10th, 2002,  i was 38 weeks pregnant with a little girl.  michael and i met with the o.b. for a routine check up and to ask about being induced (something i'd not done before).   the doctor agreed, and scheduled us for Sunday.

as we drove home, michael and discussed how odd it was that the dr. had chosen Sunday. wasn't that his day off?  "why Sunday" i asked.

and i heard, "your life is going to look different a year from now."

Exactly One year later, 

on Sunday February 10th, 2002 at 2:58 p.m., 

Josie (Josefine, "may God add") was born.  

How precious to me are your thoughts, 

O God! 

How vast is the sum of them! 

Psalm 139:17

Josie isn't a replacement for Caleb, but the Joy she has added to our lives has replaced our grief.  God was so generous to write her into our lives.

Friend, God is LIVING and MOVING.  He sees you.  He knows you.  He holds you.  He holds your past, your today, your future.  He has a plan for you.  and more than anything HE LOVES YOU. 

May He lavish His love on you, and may you open your heart to receive ALL of His love! 

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

As i type Emiie is playing "Amazing Grace" on the piano.

10 years ago today i was amazed by Grace. 

10 years (i feel my heart clench within me).

10 years that i have missed my Caleb.

Terribly.

BUT 10 years closer to the day i will hold him... 

again. 

****************************************************************************

i was 8 weeks pregnant in August when the bleeding began.  The doctor told me the sack had not attached completely to the uterus. He said there was a 50/50 chance baby would make it.  With a 2yr and 1yr old in tow i went on bed rest.

Every time there was excessive bleeding i was in a panic. 

But i believed anything was possible with God (my own mother was born, 53 years ago, weighing 1lb something ounces).

There were weekly visits to the obgyn to monitor baby. Hearing the heartbeat every week brought me great relief.

On Friday Sept. 15th i was 14.5 weeks pregnant.

Michael took Noah and Emilie to the grandparents house then went on to work.

i had a weekly obgyn appointment that morning that a girlfriend graciously transported me to.
i wore a lavender t-shirt, denim overalls, and birkenstocks.
i waited in the waiting room with other pregnant women and a woman with her newborn.  i hoped again to make it another week(and then another, and another, and...).

moments later i was lying down, my belly exposed, with dr. peters measuring, then searching for the heartbeat.  i waited....waited...waited...looked at him with a desperate "Please" in my eyes... waited..."barump, barump, barump, barump, barump."  Tears of relief and joy!

i scheduled an appointment for the next week, and was driven home.

Obedient to bed rest, i arrived home and laid down for the remainder of the day.
It was a cool September day.  i left the front door open, letting the breeze find it's way through the screened door, and drifted off to sleep on the couch.

At 4:30 there was a knock at the door.   My dear friend, Cari, showed up unexpectedly (and yet expected by God. Tears).   i stood up, took a step towards the door, and fluid ran down my legs.

My water broke.

In that moment emotions attempted to surface, i was heading towards reeling into complete panic, BUT GOD took His place in front of my fears and questions.  As i asked, "is this happening?"  The Comforter said, "I have not left you alone, I AM with you all the way."

Cari now in the house, phoned Michael, helped me into some fresh clothes, and held me up before the   Life-Sustainer in prayer.

Michael arrived, and we made the 1.25 hr trip to the hospital.


There isn't a book titled "What To Expect When Your Not Expecting." (Nobody would want to buy it).  I didn't know what to expect.  I only knew to EXPECT GOD to be with me all the way.  I prayed, "Father go before us.  Let everything happen as you have already orchestrated.  You ordain our days, You've ordained this one.  Let us live every detail you have already written."

After my water broke, contractions began.  They were minuets apart when we reached the hospital.

We were directed to go to the E.R. (this policy should be changed).  There i demanded to go directly to a room. My labor and tears eventually convinced the receptionist to comply.

Once we were in the E.R. room i ran for the toilet (it's not pretty. it is what it is). The labor increasing. The moment to deliver was here.

And it was finished.

Labor was over.

My womb was childless.

The arms that should have been holding a baby, were childless. 

I found my way to Michael.  Sat on the E.R. bed.  So, So sorry that i had no gift in my belly, or in my arms as an offering for him.

Tears.

A few moments later our nurse, Sheila arrived.  Sheila was sent by the Alpha&Omega (Beginnng & the End).  She found us defeated, and then gave us Hope.

Sheila retrieved our 14.5 week old baby from the "throne." She cleaned baby off.  She wrapped him in cloths, and laid him in a small tray. Then Sheila spoke the most beautiful words,  which are forever etched on my heart, "it appears that you have a son, and he has his daddy's strong chin." 

Tears.

Caleb.

Our Caleb.

Sheila excused herself from the room, and from the Sacred to be shared only between mommy, daddy, and child.

i asked Michael if i might have some time with Caleb alone first.  It wasn't out of selfishness.  i longed to share in the beauty of this gift, our son, together.  Honestly, i feared what my expression would be when my "eyes saw his unformed body."  i wanted Holy.   Just as that Mysterious Unity from which we were derived had fallen on us in the hospital rooms when Noah and Emilie (and later, Josie) were born, i desired It here.


With Michael out of the room, i prayed, "God please make me to see Caleb with your eyes.  i don't want to miss a thing."  i unwrapped him from the cloth, and increased in love as my eyes beheld  "fearfully and wonderfully made."  

 Caleb was just barely the length of my small hand.  He had Michael's strong chin. His long fingers so delicate on hands no bigger than my pinky nail.  His 10 tiny toes were beautifully ugly (they are just like his great grandmother's, his daddy's, his sisters. no one loves those ugly toes more than me).  Then God took me past Caleb's physical body, and showed me his character.  He showed me integrity, tenderness, and a boy who suited his name, Caleb Michael.  In Joshua, Caleb is said to have "followed the Lord wholeheartedly."  That is my greatest desire for my children.  Caleb's journey had sent him on a course from my womb directly Home.

i held Caleb in my hand and sang over him.  Worshiped our Creator with my son. Though Caleb was born into Heaven, i believed that as i worshiped we were before the throne of God together.
I sang "As i look back on this road i've traveled, i see so many times He's carried me through, and if there's one thing that i've learned in my life, my Redeemer is Faithful and True.  My Redeemer is Faithful and True, and everything He's said, He will do, and every morning His mercies are new. My Redeemer, is Faithful, and True."
And I sang and cried, "How Great Thou Art," the enormity of every word magnified by the child i held...thinking, "Your works ARE WONDER-FULL, i KNOW full well! 


and Glory filled that room, and my mommy heart. 

Michael returned.  He entered Holy.  He held his boy. He adored Caleb.  We prayed with Caleb  together, and pondered, "God's precious thoughts,"  and that He had so graciously given us our boy.


Hours later, we stole Caleb from the hospital (with Sheila's help).

We brought him home.

It was 3:00 a.m. when we wrapped his body in a piece  cut out of our wedding-gift-quilt that hung behind our bed. The name given to  the quilt is "Surrounded by His Love."
We laid his body in a cedar box that was a gift to me as a child.  It said, "Girl's Treasure" on top. i had finally found a treasure to place in it.  
We slept.
We cried.
We were enveloped in God's amazing grace upon grace.
We mourned.
We longed for Home.

The following day we took our Treasure to our family home to lay his body in the ground, and to release him to his Father. 

The moments of this day were also written by God. He went before us and lead us through every beautiful detail. 
 Flowers carefully picked by Caleb's Nana.  Slate lovingly made by his Gramps.

Today you will find us at Bass Lake. We'll be releasing balloons, watching them drift into the sky, hoping with a childlike faith that someday we'll arrive Home to find our son (and brother) in a room filled with our offerings (mine are the ones covered in lipstick kisses).  And as we release them we'll delight in Caleb, in God's mysterious ways. We will "look back, and hope forward" until that magnificent day when we finally make it home.

Photo taken September 15th 2007

May God be glorified.

Burl's Prayer

The moment that store bought pregnancy test read positive i welcomed baby into our lives.  i was pregnant and expanding not only with a child, but with love, wonder, hope, and joy.

 "Burl" (a womb name for boy/girl that we gave this baby) became a resident of not just my body, but of my mommy heart. 
Burl made our family of 4 a family of 5, and was now invited to share in every moment of every day of our future.

 August 2000, pregnant with Caleb

Unlike our other pregnancies when we honestly didn't care if we had a boy or a girl, this time was different. Both Michael and i longed for a boy.  God had placed the name and the son, "Caleb Michael" on both our hearts.  We hoped for him, and never considered the possibility of another.

Still we referred to baby as "Burl."

Around the time i discovered we were pregnant i had just begun to pray scripture over each of our children every day.  To this day each of our kiddos has the same scripture designated as prayer, blessing, and hope over them.

This is the 3x5 card with "Burl's"  scripture on it.

Burl's Scripture

Psalm 139:14-17

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was woven together in the secret place in the depths of the earth Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. 

How precious to me are your thoughts O God!

How vast is the sum of them!"

i didn't grasp until weeks later that God had in his mercy ordained for me to pray these words.  

This scripture (tears) would become more than words of blessing... they would become real. 


Mystery embracing me.  Me embracing Mystery.

"if i had known then what i know now"

i did NOT want to have another baby.

i had a baby already.

i was 25, and while my friends enjoyed freedom and the single life, i  had spent the last 17 months sacrificing myself for another human being (9 prego, 8 caring for baby).

Prego days were spent draped over the porcelain throne.  The months after baby's  birth were spent in trauma!  Trauma over the tire-tread that now resided on my non-existent waistline, trauma over the reality that i had somehow gained employment as a dairy-cow (nursing 24/7), trama over sleep-deprivation and fear that i would be indefinitely nocturnal, colic trama, checkbook trama, and driving a station wagon trauma (which as you know is the stepping stone to driving a mini-van trauma).

i absolutely did not want to do any of it again for a looonnnnnnngggg time.

But God.

On January 3rd, 1999, despite being on the pill and nursing the pregnancy test read +.

"i can't do this. i'm not ready,"  i cried as i fell to the ground with uncontrollable tears.

i thought God was out of his mind.

Ready or not, here she comes.

Emilie was born 6 months later (at 32 weeks).

The following months as Mommy to Noah and Emilie were exhausting and WONDER-FULL.   God revealed to me that He had been generous in giving them to me.  My babies were both my joy and my loves. 

On January 3rd, 2000, you would have found me delighting in my sweet girl, eating cake, and celebrating our first annual, "Emilie Day."  You would have heard me saying, "if i had known then what i know now i would have celebrated!"

i promised God that i would CELEBRATE His generosity in choosing me to be a mommy in the future.   i promised myself that i would not rob myself of that joy again, but cherish every moment.

Just a few days before Emilie's 1st birthday, draped over the porcelain throne again, i waited for the results of a store bought pregnancy test...

and i  

CELEBRATED!

Caleb's Story

i have 4 children.

When some one asks me how many children i have my words speak of 3, but my heart whispers 4.

3 are on generous loan to me from the Father.  Noah, Emilie, and Josie reside with Michael and i on this side of Heaven.  Together we are learning to live in "God's love better than life," and glorify Him.  And 1, our son, Caleb Michael (who at just the thought of his name my heart swells) was "born into Heaven,"  and resides with our good God.

Caleb's story began before he was born (like all stories do).  Before the foundations of the earth were laid God wrote Caleb (and you and me).  He wrote him into life here to bring glory to Himself.

Caleb's life did just that.

Over the next few days i will share with you all the God glorifying details of my sweet son's journey here, then home. You will see God. You will see how God so intimately knows us, and cares for each of us so uniquely.  You will see God in the details.  You will glimpse God's mystery.

God will be glorified.